Buy 2hr audio CD on persuasion HERE.

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In his seminal book, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Robert B. Cialdini, Ph.D, names reciprocity as one of the six pillars of persuasion. In short, the law of reciprocity dictates that by giving, you will get far more than you gave.

Gift giving is a sure way to engage in the law of reciprocity, which is why the act of giving in business has been practiced since the beginning of civilization. Beware, however, that it is a double-edged sword. Here are some guidelines to ensure that you appease the Gods of Reciprocity:

Three don’ts regarding the law of reciprocity:

1) Avoid giving cheap trinkets with your company logo: A cheap pen with your logo that doesn’t write says a great deal to your prospect about YOUR standards of quality.  When the pen breaks or fails to work, you are cultivating a sort of reverse sense of reciprocity.

2) Avoid giving high-priced items with general appeal: While some recipients may feel quite beholden to you for your gift, it can be perceived by others as crossing the ethical line. In other cases, it could be considered an illegal kickback. I remember my college roommate’s mom was a nurse in the early nineties. She received a free high-end laptop from a pharmaceutical company. A physician once told me that the same company sent him on vacations. Currently, that industry is becoming highly regulated with respect to gift giving.

3) Avoid “strings attached” giving: People may take you up on your offer, but when you call it a gift, they subconsciously regret it. Have you ever received a thank you coupon from a retailer? It says “we appreciate your business, so come in for your FREE gift __________”.  But, the tiny print on the back says “Free with the purchase of $100 or more”. Yes, the company is technically covered, but do you ever get that sense of reverse reciprocation?

Five applications of reciprocation that will get results:

1) Invitation to share time: If you really want to give a sincere gift, offer lunch, dinner, golf, boating, BBQ, anything where you will share time with the person. Keith Ferrazzi in his bestseller, Never Eat Alone talks about adding food to the mix because it creates a much more pleasant experience and memory for the person.

2) Reading or viewing materials: What interests the person you wish to gift? Finding out is so simple with google, facebook, twitter, myspace, linked in, or simply by asking the person. Once you know, it is a simple matter to send an article. Mailing it is more impressive than sending a link because it requires more labor and it can have a hand-written card or post-it attached. Jason Kallio, founder of Expovantage is a master networker. One of his tricks is to scan the news every morning and select which articles will be of interest to his contacts. His results are amazing. Books and DVDs are excellent ways to give a sincere and personalized gift.

3) Birthday Cards: Most people will never remember that you sent them a holiday card, but they will certainly remember a birthday card.

4) Links: What a great gift to give any networker. If your person has his or her own website, and the content is somewhat related to yours, providing a link is a great gift. You are helping them gain exposure and putting them in a positive light.

5) Give value not teasers: A great gift to give is your expertise. I vehemently disagree with those who say you devalue what you do when you give even a taste of it away. Even worse: “give them the why, and make them come to you for the how.” I am talking about gifting a bit of your expertise. A “bit” is a bit subjective. I say, more than a sample, but less than an appetizer, and not the full meal. It should be simple for you to do, but have stand-alone, intrinsic, walkaway value for them.

It is easy to note a common denominator regarding what works and what does not. It appears the techniques that work require some thoughtfulness. That’s why they don’t smack of insincerity. You have to be interested in the person, and most “slick” salespeople aren’t going to make the effort. The gifts that typically backfire appear to require less thought, as they have a more general appeal, or they are cheap tokens, or they have a transparent “ulterior” motive.

Keep in mind that I am employing the law of reciprocity to INDIVIDUAL relationships; not mass market. As per usual, I remind you that these are guidelines and not rules. There are always exceptions.

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When it comes to the power of persuasion the question may be honey vs. vinegar, but the answer may be honey THEN vinegar.

Win/win is always the goal, but what to do when soft technique and win/win strategies don’t work? Sometimes simply walking away is the best option, and other times you may wish to pursue more aggressive measures.  In the end, much of persuasion is based on the fact that people respond to incentives.  Most people happily respond to positive incentives, but there is a “darker” side to persuasion that may be the final option for certain people:  negative consequences that impact them directly.

Here is an example:  My wife and I enjoyed a weekend in Boston.  Before we left, I called the hotel and asked for information regarding parking.  I spoke to Josh, who said parking was an extra $30.  I asked, when I could arrive and whether I could leave my car there after check out.  He replied “arrive anytime in the morning and after checkout you can leave your car there into the evening at at no extra charge”.  

I always take notes when getting information over the phone; so I recorded the time, date, name and number.

Upon checkout, the parking fee was $45, plus I had to leave the garage within an hour or I would be charged and additional $15.  I explained the details of my call to the manager.  She said Josh was mistaken, and she apologized.  They outsource that service and she would check into it.  But she still wanted to charge me the the extra $30 because those fees were associated with a different company that handles their parking.

After the softer and gentler persuasion techniques failed to get the desired results, I simply acknowledged that her hands were tied in this situation and that I would pay the difference, but I wanted the name and STREET mailing address of the Director of Customer Relations, the CEO, and the Chairman of the Board.  I explained that I needed the street address so I could mail my correspondence certified return receipt.  I also asked for her card.

I was very NICE to her, agreeing that she was bound by the policy; which could only be addressed by the hotel’s executives.  She said that she would get the names, but returned with a full refund and parking voucher.

What happened?  From her perspective, the work associated with making me happy was not worth it. But then, the hassle of dealing with three letters to her executives became larger than the effort to make me happy.  She responded to incentive.  

The key here, was that I never backed her into a corner.  I never made it a competition or yelling match. I simply provided and incentive and I focused on the policy as the issue.  It was never personal.

Most situations are easily solved with positive incentives, but on occasion it becomes necessary to use negative ones.  Just remember, avoid arguing or blaming the individual, even if it is his/her fault. Instead focus on the issue.  This way, when they see the negative consequences of their actions, they don’t feel embarrassed to back out.

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